OUT OF PHASE
It’s been a week since your death. What does that feel like where you are? Over here it’s felt like an entire moon phase. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I can wager a guess from the tributes I’ve been seeing online. Clearly, and unsurprisingly, I’m not alone in admiration of you. I’ll always think you were one of the coolest and most genuine people I’ve known… and miss you.
Bardo Pond, Psychic TV, Les Rallies dé Nudés, The Jesus and Mary Chain - we bonded over shared admiration for groups that held a certain amount of freedom in their sound. And a dark edge. Like life, like the world. Music as sustenance for someone who peers above the invisible walls of our life routines. You turned me on to the Clean and Roy Montgomery, I introduced you to Beatnik Filmstars. We looked out for each other.
I think you left Oakland and moved up to Portland around 2014? Looking back at our Instagram messages shows that we talked again in 2018, and then again a few times in Twenty. Between those dates and your leaving I finished school and left Rudy’s. You, I believe, kicked heroin and had a girl or two whom you expressed you adored. I wonder what else you experienced up there. I should’ve asked. At least we said hello and traded some music a few more times.
Your dark humor was all the more powerful by how dark you went. I remember you had a bio line once that said “I fucked death”. Ha - funny and true.
This week made me realize how much of an impact you left on me. You were a singular person and I know you accepted nothing less than truth and beauty. And I know because of that, the world was probably pretty difficult for you at times.
Remember when we jammed in your room at the W.C.? It was late at night after I’d driven you around the corner to finally score, after we’d spent the evening waiting. That couple with the tattered arms hangin around you until they finally got and then were gone. Your girlfriend laid on the bed, with you leaned beside it. I sat across the floor. We played guitar through our amps on low for about an hour. No talking. We kinda sounded like Spaceman 3. It was the only time we played together. Later on, I think we both wondered - what if…
There’s so much more to say, but I’ll end here with a few things:
In 2012 I wrote a song with some lyrics that were inspired by you. I never told anyone this until now. Here’s a couple versions:
I’m working on another one for you now. A happier one. A tribute.
I also found this strange note last night while searching your name in my files. I think it’d make you laugh:
Sending this with love, friend.
Hope to see you in the next phase.